Event Recap: Joy in Marriage & Motherhood
Our relationships with marriage and motherhood are constantly changing. People change, hormones fluctuate, children grow, someone gets sick, finances get tight, we take new jobs, a pandemic strikes, and so on.
Keeping the joy requires daily focus and attention which many of us fail to do.
Why? Because we’re busy clipping fingernails, driving kids to sports practice, washing dishes, responding to teacher emails, and breaking down Amazon boxes. Somewhere in between there, we’re trying to find time to exercise, support our family and get a birthday card in the mail that’s now eleven months late. We’re heads down in the thick of our chaotic lives trying to keep the day afloat. We’ve built a high tolerance for the mundane interactions that piss us off, so we say nothing, roll our eyes, and move on. We’re tired, our feelings are hurt and with time we become resentful, irritable, and misunderstood.
This is where we often fail ourselves, our husbands, and our marriages.
We all face some version of this, but we rarely talk about it. Add in the extremes of trauma, drama, grief, and infidelity, and everything becomes intensified. We either silently suffer or we complain.
We deserve more than that – so do our Husbands and partners.
I recently hosted a live event alongside my very own Marriage Therapist & Relationship Coach, Mika Ross. I spent years avoiding conversations and allowing resentment to build that by the time Ted and I walked into Mika’s office together, our message was, “Save us because we can’t.” We still shared the same North Star, but we were so disconnected that we couldn’t navigate there on our own. We were speaking two completely different languages and running everything through our own filters that were muddied with our own biases, insecurities, and fears.
I share all of this because I know we’re not alone. If shining a light on our marriage helps you feel more comfortable in leveling up your own – good.
Ted and I met in 2003. I was 18 and he was 31. Yeah, whoops. We didn’t realize our age difference at the time. We connected instantly and had so much fun together. I didn’t think to ask his age. Point being, we’ve been together for a long time. We will celebrate 19 years together this November and 13 years of marriage in May. During our time together, we’ve been faced with all sorts of peaks and valleys – just as you have in your marriage. The peaks began to soften over time, and the valleys seemed to rise. We found a new normal – for the worse. He was knee-deep in building his IT business, and I was busy raising babies and caring for his terminally ill Mom. Resentment started to slowly build. He resented the time I had to dedicate to the kids, and I resented his lack of time to dedicate to the kids.
I needed him to understand how I felt waking up in the middle of the night to breastfeed a kid, and how my nipples were so sore I would brace for impact upon latch. My scabbed nipples and period underwear have never made me feel so sexy. Insert eye roll. Yet, I needed to know I was still desired, despite my lingering scent of breastmilk and blowout stains on my seven-year-old weathered robe. I needed him to understand that I haven’t heard myself think in years and that for Mother’s Day all I really want is to be left alone. I needed him to understand who I really was underneath this new title of “Mom” and mostly, I needed the space to find out for myself first.
My lack of communication and complex needs made it impossible for Ted to give me what I needed. I felt alone and neglected. So did he. He needed me to understand the weight he was carrying in launching his new business, and the fear he carried to protect our family. We stopped communicating because communication equaled energy, and we had none.
This was the biggest mistake we both made.
We took a backseat to our own marriage and assumed it would miraculously fix itself. When was the last time you applied no energy to your life and impressive results followed? Never.
Ted and I have seen a handful of therapists. Mika was our last plea for help. With a recent re-location to St. Louis and four more businesses to add to our plate (Burn Boot Camp), we had our work cut out for us. We had hit our own version of rock bottom. The baggage we had been carrying for years of unresolved conversations had finally left its scars. Our fights had become so petty because the root issue was a hundred layers deep. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over several years and we were too distracted raising a family, caring for others, and building businesses to realize just how much damage we had done to one another. Shame on us.
Mika compares this to a nautical rope. That, you can’t just cut a nautical rope in half. Rather, it gets worn and distressed over time. Relationships are the same way. They break slowly if we’re not paying attention. Now, we do, and we still stumble over our words, misinterpret situations, and hesitate to communicate. Mika still interprets our words and helps us work through conversations.
I’ve come to realize that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean a perfect marriage. Rather, it’s one that gets proper attention. A healthy marriage requires practice, discipline, and a VIP ticket to your list of priorities.
I want you to pay attention, too. Remember, your life will never drift in the direction you want it to go. To make change, you need to be intentional about where you invest your time and energy. Asking for help is a good first step.
I asked Mika a few questions. Here’s what she said:
1. What are the most common reasons for marital dissatisfaction?
A recent study revealed that the #2 predictor of a woman's marital satisfaction is perceived fairness in the distribution of household and family-related tasks... second only to faithfulness. Many of us are cognitively egalitarian meaning we think, "Of course, things should be fair," but once kids come along attaining fairness requires another level of awareness, communication, enoughness, and boundaries and this time period of typically low marital satisfaction illuminates where people need to grow. Without clarity in these areas, resentment can build and I see resentment as a slow-growing, and very insidious, relationship cancer.
2. I don’t feel like myself anymore playing “Mom” and “Wife.” What is the best way to get myself back?
Getting yourself back after motherhood is a PROCESS, so I'd suggest being gentle on yourself. One tiny little question (asked over and over again) that helped me through was this: "First, fast-forward 30ish years - What would I want for my daughter if she were in my place feeling EXACTLY the way I'm feeling?" Then do what you would want for her.
This question might just lead you to a damn nap the first time you ask it, and then once you get that nap it might lead you to a workout or to reading a book alone in a closet for 15 minutes. This question UNTANGLES our worth and value from motherhood and helps us differentiate between what's SELFISH and what's SELF-CARE.
For example, when I had my first child, getting to the gym was HARD. I couldn't shake the guilt of leaving her for another hour UNTIL I started asking myself this question. "I'd want her to get to the gym, of course. I'd even come watch the kids and throw in a load of laundry." I would then push myself out the door DESPITE the feelings of guilt. Would I want her partying with her friends 4 nights a week? Nope, I wouldn't babysit for that! So, put someone you really VALUE in your place and DO THAT thing you'd have them do.
3. I’m not attracted to my spouse anymore. Will I ever get this back?
First, in terms of priorities of attraction, men rate physical attractiveness as number one and women rate it last, with emotional intimacy (feeling connected, seen, heard, understood, etc.) first. Will you ever feel attracted to your spouse again? I believe it depends greatly on the degree to which you get clear about what's getting in the way FOR YOU and if you're willing to focus on your part of the problem. It's EASY to focus on our partner's part of the problem, but this often leads to communication that elicits defensiveness and resistance in the listener, "We never hang out anymore...I guess I'm just not a priority to you," OR "You don't take care of yourself and don't look like you used to," are examples of this. Ouch, right?
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE SPEAKER'S PART IN THESE SCENARIOS? Let's try meeting these scenarios with self-focus by getting clear about what we want and need and trying on some curiosity and vulnerability instead of blame and criticism.
Instead of WAITING for your partner to make you a priority, "Hey, I like you and want to hang out soon. When would for you this week or next?"
Instead of judging and criticizing, "Hey, I want you to feel like you have time for yourself. What do you need from me to make that happen?"
These statements are SO MUCH HARDER TO SAY, but SO MUCH EASIER TO HEAR.
4. I love my partner, but having sex is not a top priority for me. How do I navigate this without hurting my partner’s feelings?
The answer to this question is a book, not a paragraph or even an essay. I do 1.5-hour workshops on the topic and often reference the book, "A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex," by Dr. Laurie Mintz. The topic of sex drive is HIGHLY MISUNDERSTOOD and men and women are inherently different creatures. Not deeply understanding our differences can lead to miscommunications around this subject poisoning other aspects of our relationship. First, men have 9x the testosterone that women do and this plays a huge part in drive. The top 3 things that decrease testosterone are STRESS, LACK OF SLEEP, and CAREGIVING. So, a good first step would be to start communicating about how you can have LESS of those three things to start unburying your drive.
5. My partner refuses to go to therapy with me. What now?
GREAT NEWS! You do not need your partner to participate in therapy to create sustainable changes in your relationship. My husband and I did some premarital counseling and counseling at the beginning of our marriage, but the majority of what's carried us through is ME KNOWING HOW TO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT ME, how to communicate effectively and efficiently about my needs, taking radical responsibility for my happiness and well-being, AND his sense of humor, love of hugs, and willingness to apologize ;-) This stuff is contagious. I have never sat him down and taught him the stuff I teach my couples, but he uses the skills and strategies all the time...which is often irritating in the moment, but great in the long run.
For instance, if I start on a blame and criticism rampage he'll interrupt that toxic and relationally damaging train with the question, "What do you need?" or a paraphrase, "I hear you need _________?? (with a smirk)". Why does he do this? BECAUSE I HAVE MODELED THAT I WILL NOT DO BLAME AND CRITICISM; as long as you want to teach me a lesson, I have to walk away. Blame and criticism are 2 of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that Dr. John Gottman (leading marriage researcher in our country) looks for to predict divorce with up to a 93% success rate. Our brains cannot do self-reflection and blame and criticism simultaneously so the simple question, "What do you need" hits so many birds with one stone: it deescalates the speaker forcing them into self-reflection, encourages them do get clear about what they DO WANT, and keeps them from spewing more words about what they DON'T WANT (which just elicits defensiveness and likely pinches them off from getting their needs met). Could my husband tell you all this? No, he just knows it's a lot easier to hear what I need versus what he's doing wrong.
So, hit up therapy on your own with someone whose specialty is marriage and family counseling, teach people how to treat you with some great boundaries and standards, start making yourself a priority, and stop waiting for other people's behavior to change so that you can feel better. What if it's possible that YOU have everything you need to create any feeling you want to feel?
You can follow Mika Ross on Instagram @mikaross.therapist or www.mikaross.com for more support, education and inspiration!
