Your eyes are swollen and heavy. They have wept and kept tears in moments of solitude and in strength, I know. A balance of letting go, holding on, and holding back. Rejecting the realities of loss, and praying for it all to be a dream. But it never is. You are reawakened each morning with the same weight on your chest. Your sadness consumes you. Your mind is full of trickery, giving you glimpses of normalcy and false hope for old habits. It’s a silent phone that isn’t going to ring, but your mind still holds hope that he will call again, just as he always did. You muster up the energy and courage to stand tall, dry your eyes, and remain a beacon of light for those who need you. His brothers and sister. I can feel your heartache. I can see your eyes beg. I can sense the magnetic pull of your body desperate to collapse and sleep until “time heals.” The thick energy blankets every corner of the room yearning for what once was. There is a fear of the future and the inevitable “first” milestones. The fleeting moments of comic relief coast you to the next moment. But I know, that in a flash you could release the floodgate of tears and be swallowed whole in a second by a love so potent. Just below the surface lies a heart shattered into a billion, tiny pieces. A broken spirit and a light that’s gone dim. Your light now knows the deepest pain and the darkest days of this imperfect life. 

But your light isn’t gone.

You loved too deeply for a light made of love to cease. You now know wisdom and fortitude. You are the keeper of grief that grants a new perspective into the beauty that surrounds you. You now see what many do not. The purity of each moment and the treasure of each breath; the understanding of this fragile life. Be patient with yourself as your head and heart travel along different paths in this journey. May you live fully and cherish the time before you, not wish it away. The time that softens your sadness for tomorrow is the same time that you beg to walk again, only with Kolin, Joey, Jayce, and Taylor. Do not run into tomorrow. Allow your broken heart to be broken, yet make space for each new day’s delight. There is room in your heart to know both sorrow and sunshine; there is no need to choose. Grief now walks hand-in-hand with joy. Embrace the smile that randomly paints your face happy and the laughter that liberates your suffering. May every smile be known as a kiss from above, assuring you that all is OK. These moments exist to soothe your heart, not to dismiss the pain. You never need to apologize, explain or seek understanding from others. 

Grief knows no order, love knows no expiration, and beauty knows all moments.

I love you.

Rest in Peace, Peyton.