I used to have anxiety about wearing a bathing suit. I would be the one glued to the chair and careful to slither into my clothes to walk a few steps. I was self-conscious, insecure and gave far too many F’s what others thought of me. I cared so much, I lost sight of the one voice that mattered. Mine. Even as a “skinny girl,” I wished for more. I had what others wanted and so I never felt like I had permission to feel the way I felt; instead, I felt shame and a growing discomfort in my own skin. I had placed my value in the hands of beauty standards. It was never enough. My own standards had become buried and the lens in which I saw myself chipped away at my self-confidence.

Fast forward to the making of a fit journey that came with a million failures, celebrations, struggles, and accomplishments. Step by step. Day by day. I learned with time that being skinny wasn’t what I was looking for, rather, it was about being healthy and mobile. It was about being strong and agile. It was about conquering my fears and feeling proud of myself. It was about giving myself the space to believe that I was worth more than a skinny body that never seemed skinny enough. Burn Boot Camp taught me to embrace and fully love myself…even after Taco Tuesday.

The more I talked to other women, the more I realized that I wasn’t alone. That, the women who I assumed could and would fully appreciate themselves also lacked confidence. Bodybuilders and models who had “the perfect body” picked themselves apart before walking on stage or being in front of a camera. I was mind blown, likely the same way others looked at me. Being thin came with expectations of how I should view my body. It turns out, you can be any shape, size, or color to have negative thoughts. I saw a glimpse into an underground world of self-inflicted suffering.

Wait a minute. The golden answer to “happiness” isn’t actually the answer at all? Unsubscribe me.

I can remember the day I decided to surrender. My mind ran wild in preparation for my first steps. I felt raw and vulnerable.

What will people think of me?

What if people stare at me?

What if I walk funny because I’m nervous?

What if I’m embarrassed?

What’s the worst thing that can happen….really?

I stood up. I slowly started walking. I looked around.

Nothing had changed. No one cared. Not one person.

I kept walking. I took note of the world around me. It was exactly the way I left it in the chair. Only this time, I was free. I pulled my shoulders back and started to walk a little faster…and faster…and faster. Then, I started running.

It was full liberation.

I had re-attached my wings of confidence and FLEW from the nest that was holding me back. The nest I built. I was the same lanky girl with unexpected cellulite, but this time, none of that bothered me. I wasn’t perfect, and the more I looked around, no one else was either. I didn’t need to be. Instead, I could do burpees, hike mountains, and even carry my sleeping ten-year-old child upstairs. I saw the world through a different lens. Acceptance, kindness, love. I saw my body for all that it is and all it can do. I saw ME in a greater light; a light that carried a deeper purpose into my value, far greater than my physical presence. I was the same imperfect body that knows womanhood, motherhood, and gravity.

For decades, I held myself back. My toxic thoughts were so engrained within me, it didn’t occur to me there was another way of thinking. When I started taking care of myself – my whole self – new perspective was born.

I am a product of hard work and real life.

And now, I get to experience life the way it was intended. Fully. For me, that’s being present in the moment instead of witnessing the moment. Nurturing my thoughts and reinforcing positive body image is a practice. Self-love and acceptance isn’t a binary decision that begins and ends with a “yes.” It’s a way of life. It’s daily celebration, reflection and redirection. To get where you want to go, you must do the work.

As summer is approaching, I encourage you to take the time to sit on this:

When you cover up, what message are you telling yourself?

What more are you trying to hide than just your imperfect body?

How much more joy could you feel if you surrendered to other people’s expectations, and started showing up for yourself instead?

Do you see your own worth above and beyond what you look like? (Ahem…go to Burn Boot Camp)

What are you afraid of?

Is that true?