I’m not your poster child for a great marriage
Ted and I had a lot of bumps, twists, turns, and a subtle divide over the past 18 years. “Life happened.” Our standards settled for mediocrity with each adventure we embarked upon and each curveball thrown our way.
We became so distracted with the hustle and grind of running a business (or five), growing our family, and tending to the immediate needs of others that we forgot about us. We accidentally worked harder on building the wall between us than we did working together because, well, marriage is f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Until it’s not.
Our spontaneous trips became fleeting reminders of what “should be.” We borrowed against the strength we once had to achieve what we had convinced ourselves was more important. We took without replenishing and we loved without nurturing. We made a million distracted decisions ultimately negotiating “us” off our list of priorities. The marriage blueprint we were creating for our children was not the dream I had. Our herculean efforts in serving those around us left us at a crossroad: Should we stay, or should we go? We both failed us.
Maybe this is you, too.
Maybe you’re just going through the motions because change feels impossible. Because this is your new norm. Because “average” is acceptable. If you have children, you know how much children change your marriage, and so we lower our standards and expect change to only flow in one direction – worse. All your affection floods to these tiny dependents and our partners are left with what’s left of us – an exhausted, hairy-legged, Mom whose primetime push-up bras are now dusty pop-its in the eyes of our adorable children. We’ve lost our way. We think we’re being heroic because we’re doubling down on parenthood but failing to recognize that it comes at the cost of our relationship. Years of damaging decisions and unintentional neglect snuck up on us.
We forget that as time passes, we also evolve as human beings. Our needs, priorities, and interests evolve. If we’re not paying attention, we grow in different directions. The similarities that once anchored us now seem difficult to identify.
So now what?
We acknowledge where we are at and make positive change. We fight because we still believe we are worth it.
Ted and I have spent countless hours breaking down walls and learning how to communicate again. Yes, we needed help. A professional. Someone who could decode his frustrations and understand my defensiveness. We needed a safe place where we could vomit up the emotional garbage we had been chewing on for years. This is the emotional garbage and bad taste that has shaped our marriage.
Brick by brick, the wall has started to come down. We’ve been able to lose our training wheels and have real conversations without frequent guidance from a therapist. We’re re-inventing our marriage to the standards and values we have set. Even my dusty push-up bras are making a comeback. After years of being absent, we’re making up for lost time by getting to know the other person, finding new hobbies together, and making intentional decisions to put the other person first. We’re re-creating what we once knew – excellence. We are a work in progress, and I’m thankful for that.
