It’s never too late to know your worth
I stepped out of the shower as I normally do. Only this time, all my surroundings were new. It was day one in our new home, and I’m using my dog’s bath towel because I can’t find the box with my own. It’s a cardboard war zone, but I’ve never been happier. I’m having fun learning all the new gadgets and idiosyncrasies of this home.
I dried my feet on our shaggy gray, microfiber bathmat. I took one step further.
There it was. My new fancy pants, double vanity mirror. BOOM! I have the luxury of not only seeing my reflection once but twice. TWICE.
Suddenly, my peaceful state was disrupted by a flood of emotions and new thoughts:
My ass is falling!
Is it? Look again.
Maybe it’s the lighting.
No, I think it’s actually falling.
What if I turn this way?
No, that’s worse.
Why are there mirrors in all directions?
Is this menopause?
Do I have new fat above my knees?
Why does my skin look so squishy?
Am I pregnant?
Maybe I’m allergic to gluten.
Is that armpit fat new?
Are these new stretch marks?
It’s gotta be the lighting.
Are these fluorescent lights?
Why am I EVERYWHERE?
I knew I shouldn’t have gone out to eat.
WOOF!
Every single one of these thoughts ran through my head. 20 seconds passed by. No more. No less. I had dissected every imperfection and immediately solved the riddle. I’m failing. I’m not enough. I’m defective. I felt the weight of my past consume me. It felt too familiar.
I took a deep breath.
That person is no longer me. I was completely content 23 seconds ago. I had no issues with my body in the shower, so why did I suddenly feel so attacked? And worse, by me. I was the same person in the same skin, and it was the same imperfect body that I deemed worthy minutes prior. This was the same body that’s done a million burpees and just carried a bed up the stairs. This body depicts balance, discipline, and strength.
“I’m doing great,” I thought to myself. I got dressed and I carried on with my day.
Loving yourself is a practice. It’s an act of kindness and respect. To love yourself is to be proud of yourself. So, give yourself reasons to be proud. You may never be armed with a panic-proof vest, but you learn how to navigate these thoughts in a healthy and productive way. It’s about recognizing what your body CAN do, acknowledging how far you’ve come, and separating emotion from logic to debunk societal expectations for a woman’s body. When you take personal responsibility for the health of your body, loving it becomes so much easier.
I knew there was nothing wrong with my body. That, every squishy detail I was committed to picking apart was irrational. Nobody could see what I could see in those 20 seconds because what I saw was merely a figment of my imagination stemming from one ugly thought. A thought that could either grow more limbs or be rejected. I chose the latter.
These thoughts can either build us up or break us down. They do not discriminate on body type, gender or where we went to High School. Having the confidence to step over these thoughts takes time, but it’s possible. Starting is a good place to…start.
Short story.
I played basketball for several years as a kid. When I was a Freshman in High School, I was the only athlete asked to try out for the JV team. I didn’t make the team, so I carried out my Freshman (and final) year of basketball as Team Captain. One day, I was practicing in the gym after school and a classmate made a comment in passing. Whatever they said, I internalized it and I stopped playing after that year.
This wasn’t their fault. It was mine. I feared being rejected twice and quitting was an easy out. I let words steal my potential, and I almost let a double mirror with bad lighting steal my confidence.
We’re all subject to these joy suckers, but it is up to YOU to combat them. You are being tempted and teased all the time into the vortex of limiting beliefs. The quality of your life is shaped by every decision you make – the opportunities you choose to take, and the opportunities you let pass by. I regret not pursuing basketball further, but a mirror will not ruin my day.
